Faking All.....

Do you ever get the feeling that you are just faking everything you do?
A smile that never seems to be true,
Things said that never meant to be said,
Things you do that are not true to yourself,
Talking to people that you do not actually like,
Being nice only to get nothing in return,

Then I guess for a while you are feeling like me. I actually do not know what I am doing with my life right now. Nothing seems to be falling into place at all. All I can do is blog it on here becuase I do not know where else I can get rid of this confusing and lost feeling except drowning them in alcohol.
Can not seem to find a placement, however will keep applying once I have time.
Too much work and even though I act if I can handle it  -- I actually CANNOT!
Its actually very stressful and I am starting to feel the pressure.
My marks this year are not great - I am actually worried that I wil not be able to average a 2:1 this year which kind of means a FAIL to me.

It's not even like I am not trying this year. I am. I am trying very hard and all I get in return are this low marks that are only worthy to scrape a pass. Are you joking?
People say that it's because year 2 is much harder, but is it really. Could it really be that hard that my grades are half of what they were last year?
Surely not?
Excues are what these are - Year 2 getting harder is a excuse for the low marks that I have recieved -
Think it is actually all down to me. Maybe I am not pushing myself hard enough at all.
Is this my punishment for partying too much? Drinking too much? Spending too much of my time having fun and relaxing?
If it is I will stop -  All I want is to be able to achieve something in my life that I can be proud of and not just me my parents too.
I cannot bare to tell them my grades - They will probably say 'At least you passed'. But I know that there is dissapointment in their eyes. They cannot hide it well and it acutally hurts me as their daughter.
However, they can be very harsh with their words.
There was this one time when my mum compared me to my cousin - 'You and May are very different' -Obviously hinting that she is not happy with me. It HURTS okay!! And maybe my mum does not think it affects me as much. IT DOES and for some reason I cannot let it go and it Hurts everytime I think back her saying that. I also think that this has damaged our relationship a bit.
The one reason I HATE coming home is because my parents say things that Hurt and they do not even care.

Also....
I feel so demotivated as well -  Along side not understanding much of the work especially in the IT side of things. I do not know if I can take it anymore to be honest.
I have a verge to drop out and become one of those people who are stuck in a supermarket job day to day.
But I cannnot bring myself to live in that life of reality.
But I really do not know if I can handle anymore of this - or think of anything to help me keep the edge of.

I hate the fact that these days are just flying by meaning that I will be meeting the DEADLINE soon. Fear is that I am actually scared that I will not be able to submit my work to a high standard quality level. I doubt I will fail -  but thats the worst bit right - you fail you get to resit -  if you do not - you don't. Therefore you are just stuck with the mark you got at the first place right? So - that sucks!

Why can't there not be obvious arrows pointing you in the right direction? So I actually can play my life like a board game and see if I do reach the finish line successfully.
Life is a bitch -  Such a bite in the ass.

However, When I smile they are true even if I admit that not all of them are - some of them are forced/fake but to get through - I guess I just have to be true to myself and give myself some faith to get by.
But to be honest I would like some guidance -  They say god works in mysterious ways - But to me he only works with the people who belive in him and not those who seeks his guidance. Is that fair? After all we are all god's creatures right? So where is the fairness in that when we need him the most to show us some guidance?

Oh this is pretty pathetic -  I am passing blames - Passing them pathetically as well.
I think I am too confused about life at this very moment. I need some thinking time.
I need to get away from everything and everyone so that I can clear my mind and think of something to aim for that is worth my while. I NEED TIME!!!!