Do you ever get the feeling that you are just faking everything you do?
A smile that never seems to be true,
Things said that never meant to be said,
Things you do that are not true to yourself,
Talking to people that you do not actually like,
Being nice only to get nothing in return,
Then I guess for a while you are feeling like me. I actually do not know what I am doing with my life right now. Nothing seems to be falling into place at all. All I can do is blog it on here becuase I do not know where else I can get rid of this confusing and lost feeling except drowning them in alcohol.
Can not seem to find a placement, however will keep applying once I have time.
Too much work and even though I act if I can handle it -- I actually CANNOT!
Its actually very stressful and I am starting to feel the pressure.
My marks this year are not great - I am actually worried that I wil not be able to average a 2:1 this year which kind of means a FAIL to me.
It's not even like I am not trying this year. I am. I am trying very hard and all I get in return are this low marks that are only worthy to scrape a pass. Are you joking?
People say that it's because year 2 is much harder, but is it really. Could it really be that hard that my grades are half of what they were last year?
Surely not?
Excues are what these are - Year 2 getting harder is a excuse for the low marks that I have recieved -
Think it is actually all down to me. Maybe I am not pushing myself hard enough at all.
Is this my punishment for partying too much? Drinking too much? Spending too much of my time having fun and relaxing?
If it is I will stop - All I want is to be able to achieve something in my life that I can be proud of and not just me my parents too.
I cannot bare to tell them my grades - They will probably say 'At least you passed'. But I know that there is dissapointment in their eyes. They cannot hide it well and it acutally hurts me as their daughter.
However, they can be very harsh with their words.
There was this one time when my mum compared me to my cousin - 'You and May are very different' -Obviously hinting that she is not happy with me. It HURTS okay!! And maybe my mum does not think it affects me as much. IT DOES and for some reason I cannot let it go and it Hurts everytime I think back her saying that. I also think that this has damaged our relationship a bit.
The one reason I HATE coming home is because my parents say things that Hurt and they do not even care.
Also....
I feel so demotivated as well - Along side not understanding much of the work especially in the IT side of things. I do not know if I can take it anymore to be honest.
I have a verge to drop out and become one of those people who are stuck in a supermarket job day to day.
But I cannnot bring myself to live in that life of reality.
But I really do not know if I can handle anymore of this - or think of anything to help me keep the edge of.
I hate the fact that these days are just flying by meaning that I will be meeting the DEADLINE soon. Fear is that I am actually scared that I will not be able to submit my work to a high standard quality level. I doubt I will fail - but thats the worst bit right - you fail you get to resit - if you do not - you don't. Therefore you are just stuck with the mark you got at the first place right? So - that sucks!
Why can't there not be obvious arrows pointing you in the right direction? So I actually can play my life like a board game and see if I do reach the finish line successfully.
Life is a bitch - Such a bite in the ass.
However, When I smile they are true even if I admit that not all of them are - some of them are forced/fake but to get through - I guess I just have to be true to myself and give myself some faith to get by.
But to be honest I would like some guidance - They say god works in mysterious ways - But to me he only works with the people who belive in him and not those who seeks his guidance. Is that fair? After all we are all god's creatures right? So where is the fairness in that when we need him the most to show us some guidance?
Oh this is pretty pathetic - I am passing blames - Passing them pathetically as well.
I think I am too confused about life at this very moment. I need some thinking time.
I need to get away from everything and everyone so that I can clear my mind and think of something to aim for that is worth my while. I NEED TIME!!!!
Saturday, 26 February 2011
Sunday, 20 February 2011
"I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they're right, you believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together."
— Marilyn Monroe
Blogging
I do like to blog. I like to write. Write about all the good and bad times. Do not really care if anyone reads because I like to get how I am feeling and capture the moment in text.
Current song to set the mood - -Sam Tsui - Hold it against me (cover)!
Obviously better then the original (sorry Britney).
I think everyone should blog about how they feel however not turning this into a discussion board in the process of, but there are jsut some things that cannot be said to another person however close you are to them.
Like me for example - - I actually keep everything to myself - - there are a lot of things I do not tell anyone about - - But sometimes, only sometimes can I write this down on here and take a load of my chest. Although, guessing the best thing to do is to talk to a close friend or family memeber. Problem with that is I do not want to bore them with my problems, my life and share my ungrateful life with them.
So I keep SMILING.
I come across as a Happy individual without a care in the world. And that is the way it would remain.
Current song to set the mood - -Sam Tsui - Hold it against me (cover)!
Obviously better then the original (sorry Britney).
I think everyone should blog about how they feel however not turning this into a discussion board in the process of, but there are jsut some things that cannot be said to another person however close you are to them.
Like me for example - - I actually keep everything to myself - - there are a lot of things I do not tell anyone about - - But sometimes, only sometimes can I write this down on here and take a load of my chest. Although, guessing the best thing to do is to talk to a close friend or family memeber. Problem with that is I do not want to bore them with my problems, my life and share my ungrateful life with them.
So I keep SMILING.
I come across as a Happy individual without a care in the world. And that is the way it would remain.
Diet!
Well it is official that I am on a Diet!!.....
I will definately try to stick to it as much as I possibly can.
GYM and Eating Less will do the trick nice and easy.......
Several reasons for this diet is because 1. I am fat... ( guess that is the reason for why everyone diets)
2. Because my parents said I am fat (very supportive are they not?). 3. Probably clinging on to reason 1 - -Not confident with body. 4. Rather not be the so called "Curvy". 5. To make myself feel better around all my skinny friends.
There it is. I just threw it all out the window. My whole CONFIDENCE!
Brilliant huh?
Think I will just climb out and pick it up in a years time or whenever I can shift all my flabber and shake it off!
I will definately try to stick to it as much as I possibly can.
GYM and Eating Less will do the trick nice and easy.......
Several reasons for this diet is because 1. I am fat... ( guess that is the reason for why everyone diets)
2. Because my parents said I am fat (very supportive are they not?). 3. Probably clinging on to reason 1 - -Not confident with body. 4. Rather not be the so called "Curvy". 5. To make myself feel better around all my skinny friends.
There it is. I just threw it all out the window. My whole CONFIDENCE!
Brilliant huh?
Think I will just climb out and pick it up in a years time or whenever I can shift all my flabber and shake it off!
Tuesday, 15 February 2011
2.00 AM - - 16th Feburary 2011
This is the precise time, date, moth and year of this post.
I am just writting since I will not be going to sleep soon as I have to do my coursework.
Would just like to talk about myself in general.
In project management lecture a couple weeks back, my lecturer told me to sign up to Joahri's window which choosing charateristics about yourself and let other fill it in to see how they percieve you.
Over 50% have said that I am a Happy individual - But, even though I may look happy all the time I have problems, worries too. However, no one seems to question them. I guess since I always wear a smile there is no need as people just presume that I am always okay.
Sad thing is my parents do not understand me at all - Neither do they question.
To be honest I can not wait to move out as soon as I can.
But then again - I do not think any of my friends understand me as an individual at all. Maybe becuase I am not as open as I percive myself as? Or I just do not want to bore my friends with my life problems and my needs - Writting that makes me sound very self centered.
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Well I went out for Valentines day - - Was a pretty awesome night. Best by far I have had for a while.
But, a lot of male singles were out with the gaze of desperationt o get laid with whoever they can get their hands on. Thankfully I am sensible.
There was a dude I met - - Well I say met I do not even know his name but he was cool - - Smiles.
Never actually had the confidence to pull.
For many reason that is
I do not think I am pretty enough.
Not confident enough.
Not skinny enough.
...I could go on.
But before I depress myself I shall stop here.
Also. Main reason probably becuase I developed a crush - - Do not see the point in all that one off pull - --
I really should get back to work since I have a very short attention span and also do spend majority of my time doing nothing or being distracted then actual work output.
I am just writting since I will not be going to sleep soon as I have to do my coursework.
Would just like to talk about myself in general.
In project management lecture a couple weeks back, my lecturer told me to sign up to Joahri's window which choosing charateristics about yourself and let other fill it in to see how they percieve you.
Over 50% have said that I am a Happy individual - But, even though I may look happy all the time I have problems, worries too. However, no one seems to question them. I guess since I always wear a smile there is no need as people just presume that I am always okay.
Sad thing is my parents do not understand me at all - Neither do they question.
To be honest I can not wait to move out as soon as I can.
But then again - I do not think any of my friends understand me as an individual at all. Maybe becuase I am not as open as I percive myself as? Or I just do not want to bore my friends with my life problems and my needs - Writting that makes me sound very self centered.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Well I went out for Valentines day - - Was a pretty awesome night. Best by far I have had for a while.
But, a lot of male singles were out with the gaze of desperationt o get laid with whoever they can get their hands on. Thankfully I am sensible.
There was a dude I met - - Well I say met I do not even know his name but he was cool - - Smiles.
Never actually had the confidence to pull.
For many reason that is
I do not think I am pretty enough.
Not confident enough.
Not skinny enough.
...I could go on.
But before I depress myself I shall stop here.
Also. Main reason probably becuase I developed a crush - - Do not see the point in all that one off pull - --
I really should get back to work since I have a very short attention span and also do spend majority of my time doing nothing or being distracted then actual work output.
Sunday, 13 February 2011
V-Day, Monday, Just Another Day...
Yes - -valentines Day tomorrow and guess what it is just another normal monday, normal day, university day and I treat it that way.
Valentines has been designed to remind the singles that they should be proud to be single because tehy do not have to spend money on gifts for their partner therefore you save money which I think is a win win!
I personally like to go out and get tottally wrecked because this is a celebration for all the singletons to have some fun.
However, I also thought V-day was the day to express your feelings to someone you care about. but if you do care about them should you not actually express your feelings to them every day? - - i deal - - As much as I am actually talking around this subject area. I can not pluck up the courage to tell my crush how I feel. Guess that would be a fail.
Think I am scared of rejection - not just that but commitment - - Could be the reason why I say 'NO' to literally all the people who has expressed themselves to me.
Thinking back I feel quite mean.
But it is life so let's move on.
Going to get Monday over and done - then spend the next 4 days catching up on my coursework.
Seems like I am not the hard working student that I was last year.
This is actually really bad - - so demotivated.... T_T
Valentines has been designed to remind the singles that they should be proud to be single because tehy do not have to spend money on gifts for their partner therefore you save money which I think is a win win!
I personally like to go out and get tottally wrecked because this is a celebration for all the singletons to have some fun.
However, I also thought V-day was the day to express your feelings to someone you care about. but if you do care about them should you not actually express your feelings to them every day? - - i deal - - As much as I am actually talking around this subject area. I can not pluck up the courage to tell my crush how I feel. Guess that would be a fail.
Think I am scared of rejection - not just that but commitment - - Could be the reason why I say 'NO' to literally all the people who has expressed themselves to me.
Thinking back I feel quite mean.
But it is life so let's move on.
Going to get Monday over and done - then spend the next 4 days catching up on my coursework.
Seems like I am not the hard working student that I was last year.
This is actually really bad - - so demotivated.... T_T
Wednesday, 9 February 2011
Taste it - - -Beat It
First sign of failure this year.
One of my assignments were handed back to me to and standing at a mark of 48% it is really nothing to be proud of, considering I spent a lot of time correcting this and making it sound academic.
Seriously are they taking the piss.
Why is the second year of University seem to be the worst year for me.
None of my grades are up to scratch.
They give you modules which are way out of your comfort zone and knows that you will struggle with them.
Which of course given us a low result.
I have a feeling my average this year will be very low.
Might actually make me struggle in the future when I'm seeking a job
It is actually very depressing.
Shame on me that after I got my result for HRM I cried in my car for a while.
How am I going to tell my parents that I have a just pass mark.
Surely they cannot be proud of that.
What is worse another module which is way out of my comfort zone all to do with programming - -I am actually failing.
Sad times this is and there is nothing more worse then Valentines day coming along to top the depression of.
Hopefully it will pick up sometime soon. Need some help from lady luck..
One of my assignments were handed back to me to and standing at a mark of 48% it is really nothing to be proud of, considering I spent a lot of time correcting this and making it sound academic.
Seriously are they taking the piss.
Why is the second year of University seem to be the worst year for me.
None of my grades are up to scratch.
They give you modules which are way out of your comfort zone and knows that you will struggle with them.
Which of course given us a low result.
I have a feeling my average this year will be very low.
Might actually make me struggle in the future when I'm seeking a job
It is actually very depressing.
Shame on me that after I got my result for HRM I cried in my car for a while.
How am I going to tell my parents that I have a just pass mark.
Surely they cannot be proud of that.
What is worse another module which is way out of my comfort zone all to do with programming - -I am actually failing.
Sad times this is and there is nothing more worse then Valentines day coming along to top the depression of.
Hopefully it will pick up sometime soon. Need some help from lady luck..
Tuesday, 8 February 2011
Sunday, 6 February 2011
Roses are Red, Voilets are Blue, Here is a Knife, Just For You....
Well valentines is in approximately ONE WEEK.
This day is like exactly like marmite - you either love it or absolutely hate it!!!
I for one HATE IT - it such a depressing day that I will be drowning myself in alcohol to make it look not so bad.
But for those love birds out there, I hope you all have a fantastic day.
I guess this is the day where people express their feeling to the one they love or just generally just let someone know how they feel.
I am not brave enough to do that - I unfortunately have a fear of rejection as I take ages getting over them - Also do not want to damage a perfectly good friendship.
So what do I do?
Sadly I have not seen him around lately - but I do miss seeing him around.
God - Talk about sad -this is even worse -
Cannot pluck up the courage to tell someone how you feel? It is a a bit wimpish and if that is how it is then I am a WIMP.
Nevermind!
The perfect man to have would probably be Mr Darcy from Bridget Jones
A most heart warming phrase that he says to Bridget is "Like you just as you are"! - It is perfect!
Well happy valentines everyone
and also
Happy Chinese New Year! (Kung Hei Fat Choi)!!
This day is like exactly like marmite - you either love it or absolutely hate it!!!
I for one HATE IT - it such a depressing day that I will be drowning myself in alcohol to make it look not so bad.
But for those love birds out there, I hope you all have a fantastic day.
I guess this is the day where people express their feeling to the one they love or just generally just let someone know how they feel.
I am not brave enough to do that - I unfortunately have a fear of rejection as I take ages getting over them - Also do not want to damage a perfectly good friendship.
So what do I do?
Sadly I have not seen him around lately - but I do miss seeing him around.
God - Talk about sad -this is even worse -
Cannot pluck up the courage to tell someone how you feel? It is a a bit wimpish and if that is how it is then I am a WIMP.
Nevermind!
The perfect man to have would probably be Mr Darcy from Bridget Jones
A most heart warming phrase that he says to Bridget is "Like you just as you are"! - It is perfect!
Well happy valentines everyone
and also
Happy Chinese New Year! (Kung Hei Fat Choi)!!
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